Love and Pain

Please forgive me while I take a break from my regular book loving to talk about the last few weeks of my life...

For months now we have been gearing up for my husband to have back surgery. Arranging for insurance, time off from work, people to watch the kids, gadgets to help once he was home.... the list felt endless. It did distract from the thoughts that this was major surgery, that always carries risks. And also that he would be in pain, I had not thought about the pain.

Matt came through his surgery just fine! Everything went better than expected...if you would like to know the geeky and a little gory details you can read his post here. Afterward he suffered from some minor but painful complications.

That's the thing that I was really not prepared for, watching the love of my life, my rock, my beloved in excruciating pain. I could sit by his bed, help him drink or wipe his brow. I could call the nurse, ask questions and request more pain killer. I could encourage him to get out of bed, walk down the hall and even try the stairs. But I could not really make the pain and discomfort go away.

Watching while he grimaced, all I wanted to do was take it away, make it end. I envisioned drawing the pain out and taking some on myself so he wouldn't have to bear it all. I would go home at night and dream that it had magically vanished but in the morning I could tell just by looking at his tired face that the night had not been kind.

Someplace along the way, sometime in a quiet moment while Matt slept as I sat beside him I had an overwhelming feeling of love. I have always loved my husband, through the good the bad and the ugly, but like any couple there were days of doubt and fear. But in that moment and since, there has been no doubt. If doubt comes crawling back in I all I need to remember is that moment to send it running. Because in that moment I knew that all I wanted was my husband to be happy and healthy and free from this pain. I wished above all else that I had the power I had envisioned and that I could rescue him with just my love.

And now I have him home and he is feeling better every day! I am thrilled and proud of his every little achievement. More and more I am looking forward to going for walks, exploring museums, and taking day trips. I can see the light at the end of the pain tunnel!

All in all I know this was not a life threatening illness, that it could have been worse and it could have been better. But it has had the unexpected side effect of refueling my love for my husband. He is my beloved, the love of my life and I am never letting go of him!

Thank you for indulging my mushy feelings. Back to my regular silliness next time I promise!